sweet(?) twenty

Assalamualaikum. :)

I'm twenty! Yay!

At the moment I'm typing this out, I'm trying to finish one more cream puff and a slice of cake. Last night I got a slice of cake and today I got another slice plus about seven cream puffs and one whole cake. This is crazy. I don't know how to finish them, Haha!

A lot of things have been going on and it's really getting on to me. I don't know, maybe it's because I tend to overthink about things which later make me get sad or depressed which later on will effect everyone around me. At this moment, there's a lot of things I have to think about. I don't know why am I even taking the opportunity given to me. I'm afraid that I won't be able to do it. I'm afraid that I'd somehow neglect my studies. I don't want that to happen. Really.

I know I'm supposed to be grateful because I have a group of such lovely friends but I feel like me being me, they actually hate me. HAHA. That's just what I think. Maybe it's true. I don't know. But this is just what I'm feeling right now. Though I know that whatever I'm going through right now is because He misses me. I miss Him too, actually. I need to start fixing myself again.

I have no idea why am I typing everything out on here. OH MY GOSH I'M SO SCARED OF THE FUTURE. I feel like giving up but I know that I shouldn't. I know that I have to be strong. I know that other people have it harder. I know not everyone can care for me except for Him. I know that I shouldn't be dependent on some people. I just miss the old me.

I have changed a lot. I'm not sure if it's a good change or a bad change. I know that it's a change. What am I even talking about right now?

Please just pray for me. I don't want to run away. I'm sick of this. I need to fix myself. I need to..... I don't know. ARGH.

erm..

Assalamualaikum.

The third semester has begun! It has been a week though. Haha! So far so good. My roommates are awesome because they're Nadiah and Izzah! Heheh. Classes are okay, though we haven't been into two classes because the lecturers were busy. I hope they'll be there in the coming weeks because I can't wait to get started! I know most people dread classes but I'm looking forward to it.

I've been busy for the past month with all the preparation for orientation week or MHS they call it. Sleeping late night and waking up early. That's something I really like because I get to be productive and my body clock works just nice. But when MHS came.... wow. We didn't get much sleep but it was alright. It was truly an experience to teach the freshies chants, dances and telling them about UM, getting to know them and just simply welcoming them here. We're the first few people they meet so we have to give a good first impression. I hope we all did well and I hope they'll learn to love the college as well as UM the way I did and still do.

What else should I write about? Oh! My friends and I went to Breakout room in Nu Sentral. They had a promotion and we did the Testament of Tesla room. It was so cool! Haha! We managed to figure out some clues but we still needed the Game Master's help. I honestly would try again but with different rooms. The room we tried has a difficulty level of 5/5 so yeah. Our Game Master, Shafiq, recommended that we try the 4/5 room which is Dreadnought. I hope we'll go there again and try Dreadnought!! Heheheh.

By the waaaaay, I have someone special in my life! :3 I miss him so much right now but I know he's busy doing whatever that he is doing. Haha. It's cool how we actually liked each other way before this without us knowing but now everything has been revealed! Muahahaha. I hope he's fine wherever he is right now. Can't be too attached. I'll try to let him be. Huhuhu.

That is all for now, I'll try to update as often as I can (which is probably once every month). I miss my family but not to the point of crying (yet).

xoxo,

Zue.

random update

Assalamualaikum. :)

Flying to KL later today and then head back to college! Currently having flu and cough and getting better from fever. Haha! A month of break was something I really cherished. I've missed staying home for a long time. I think since I've got into UM, I had breaks for a week, a couple weeks or maybe three weeks. Sometimes just four days. It's crazy how committed I am to the activities in college. I was supposed to have about two months plus of holidays but nuuu I sacrificed them. Haha! It's for something I'll love, in sha Allah. There's a reason why I'm doing this and I hope it's going to lead to something amazing.

Anyway, Raya was alright. It was tough for the first few days but later on, it was alright. I invited my friends and daaangg, I was so happy! Haha! Served them spaghetti and chicken wings which my mom made. They were delicious! I'm so grateful for my mother. Lately I've been cherishing her so much. More than I did before, I think. Idk. I miss her already although she's always around. I am so going to miss home. I'm not sure why I find it hard to leave home this time. Usually I'd be counting down days till I get back to college but now I dread it. Heh.

OMG. My pointer. Did I talk about my pointer on here? It went down like a crashing parachute. Lel. It's actually something I should be grateful for because it wasn't that easy to get there. But just because I have that benchmark, I am truly and extremely disappointed in myself. I keep saying that I need to work harder but I.... don't. I hope this next semester, I'll do better. In sha Allah. There's a lot of things I need to work on. I know I keep on saying about fixing myself but I always fall out from it. Sucks.

Anyway, I've got a flight to catch in I don't know how many hours. Hence I need rest. Pray that I'll do good in the future.

xoxo, zu.

odd void.

Assalamualaikum.

It's semester break. However, I'm in college for some orientation stuff. It's kind of an exciting thing, you know? To be the facilitator, you need to go through some interview and camps and then you'll be chosen. I've been dreaming for this since my orientation week. The facilitators during our time were so awesome. They were pretty much the reason why I wanted to be a facilitator for the junior's orientation week.

So far everything have been great except for the fact that I kept distancing myself from everyone. I have no idea why. I was in this particular state a couple months ago but one of my friends managed to pull me out from it. My friend knocked the sense into me. I felt happy and such but then as time passed by, I found myself slowly drowning into this odd void I can't simply forget and run from. My friend told me to face it but I just. I don't know. I've lost myself. I feel like I'm losing my friends. Heck, my friends are always there. It's just me. My mindset. My over thinking. That sucks. I hate this.

Anyway, that's why lately I've been laying in bed, playing some games, watching YouTube videos and sleeping. I wasn't as active as I was before. Maybe the environment changes everything. I'm so going to miss my seniors. They were the ones who made my first year in UM very exciting and memorable. I kind of lost direction after Karviter and FESENI ended. Haha! I was more focused on my studies but still, I was lost. Couldn't find myself. This is so weird, What am I experiencing actually?

Help.

it's currently raining. (I don't know what to put as a title)

Assalamualaikum.

It's the 25th of April 2015. A lot of things happened since I last wrote on here.

Firstly, FESENI. I joined Boria and we got 2nd place! Alhamdulillah. FESENI was held like, Idk for two separate weeks but yeah, I went to watch for four nights. Haha! It was a nice experience, looking at how everyone worked so hard and then performed their best. Congratulations to those who won and I look forward to FESENI next year! Hehe.

Later, I had so many things to do, assignments and presentations. Alhamdulillah everything went well. :) Oh, we even did field trip to Muzium Negara and Petrosains where we discover the technology revolution and stuff. It's quite interesting and I'm grateful that my groupmates were all cooperative of each other. We presented our video yesterday and I think everyone liked it? Hope so. It was all because of Nadiah's skillful editing. *coughfutureJTKTeknikalcough*

Moving on..... oh! I had to attend an interview to become the college's PM. I swear I had to really think it through. Some said yes, some said no, just because I was really doubtful of myself. But I just went anyway because it was just an interview, I still don't know if I would be accepted. But I got it! However those who passed the interview had to go to a camp. It was Kem Biro Tatanegara or Idk BTN or something at Kuala Lipis, Pahang.

The camp was truly a wonderful experience. But it was only for three days and two nights. I made new friends and gahhh I somehow miss them already! Haha! During the last night, we had to do some jungle trekking and oh boy, it was tough. It was my first time going into the woods at night. I've been into a jungle before during PLKN but it was kind of easy, I think? Plus it was during the day. But at the camp, it was dark and Idk. I'm so grateful my teammates were all cooperating. They were even patient with me. I hope so. Haha. Anyway, the experience was unforgettable.

What else....? Oh, I went home for four days cuz I got homesick. That sucked, you know? I never missed home that much. But that one week was really tough. I was too lazy and I was dazed all the time. I couldn't really focus talking to my friends and I just.... I felt lost. But thank God I found myself already. I must say, I still miss home but there's nothing you can do but pray. I'm here for a reason. I'm here to study. I'm here to develop myself into a better person, in sha Allah.

Okay, enough rambling. I think I shall stop here. Thanks for reading, if you did. Hehe.

x.

KARVITER '15.

Assalamualaikum.

How are you all doing? It's the first of March! Wow! I thought it was still February. haha. Anyway, the reason I'm blogging is to talk about Karviter.

Karviter UM is Karnival Teater Universiti Malaya. The competition is inter-college and well, I joined to represent my college! It started with an audition. I thought they needed some dancers so I decided to go for the audition but it turned out that they need someone who can act, sing and dance. =_= Since I've written my name, I had to go and do the whole thing. Dancing and acting was alright I guess but then they told me to sing. I decided to sing Taylor Swift's 22. Haha!

Later, they announced who got through and most of the people auditioned got in. I'm glad because my coursemates were accepted too. Anyway, fast forward to early February. We had a 'perkampungan' where it's a semester break but we stay in college to practice and stuff. I was totally not into it because I felt like I didn't belong. I felt like I was useless among all the actors and crew. However, a good friend of mine kept reminding me that it'll be alright and I should do it willingly and so I did.

Surprisingly, the whole three weeks of training was something I didn't expect I would get attached to. We had to do morning fitness and vocal training which were a bore but at times they were exciting. I mean, repeating the same thing everyday was so boring. But I'm glad that we all pulled through. Acting wise, it was fun because we had an amazing director. Other than that, the production crew were so caring and gosh, I admire their hard work. I can say that everyone worked hard to pull off the musical theatre.

I can say that I miss everyone so much now. I miss having the college to ourselves. I miss repeating the same thing everyday. Haha. I miss waking up and forcing myself to go for a jog. I miss owning the hall. I miss every single meal I had with the team. I miss acting, singing, projecting my voice with the others. I miss going insane in the middle of the night with them. I miss talking to my roommate late night. I miss everyone and every single moment we spent together. Gaaahhhhh.

OH RIGHT. Our show, MIMPI was on the 24th of February at the Experimental Theatre UM. We arrived there early morning and basically spent the whole day there. It was fun exploring the place, going into the dressing room and such. We did our best for the show and the feedback we got was overwhelming. Some said we need more polish but you know what, all of us were acting for the first time and we had to training before so I guess what we did was pretty good. Some cried, some shed tears while others tried their best to act tough. Haha. I'm glad that the message went through.

Anyway, yeah. I miss Karviter. The results will be out in a week, I guess? Every college will get a day so basically 12 nights of free theatre for everyone to watch. :D Umm right. Lasykartistik Empire Production, I look up to you guys. :) In sha Allah I'll join again next year. Next up, Boria for FESENI. Also.... UMCares. But I still need to focus on my studies! I can't slack off. In sha Allah everything will be alright. :)

Thanks for reading. Kahkahkah. Fi hifzillah.

"Jangan pernah berhenti berMIMPI."

"Bila Tuhan kehendaki, kita akan berjumpa lagi."

x.

Sistar.

Assalamualaikum. :)

One of the things I never expected to do is liking a Korean girls group. I mean, liking Running Man was alright because it is definitely entertaining but liking a girls group? Never in my whole life I thought of it. I first got to know them through a song called Touch My Body. Catchy tune, great dance moves, beautiful girls with beautiful voices. Who wouldn't get hooked? One thing for sure is that I started listening to that only song by them because I watched the dance practice video on Facebook. It was the only song from them that I liked.

Having three close friends who likes/loves Kpop made me listen to the girls more. They introduced me to other songs such as I Swear, Alone and Give It To Me. HAAAAHHH. I find myself loving the girls more and more. I ended up watching an episode of Running Man with Hyolyn and Dasom in it and also Sistar Showtime (although there's only one episode with English sub up on Youtube. Still waiting for more). It's so weird because I didn't expect to get hooked to this girls group JUST by watching one of their dance practices. Really, Zu? Just that one video could change everything. Haha!

As of now, I'm thinking of buying their album but I'm not quite sure yet. I still have One Direction's album and DVD to buy. I can't afford to collect another artist's albums and DVDs. Yes, it's my hobby. Haha! If I really do like/love/admire them, I'd support by buying their albums. I don't know, it's just how I've grown up with since Dafi and David. Being an ArchAngel taught me a lot. It taught me how hard an artist try to compose songs and make it into an album. A lot of hard work is put into making a simple album. Really. As a fangirl, I find it important to do my part which is buying their albums legally. Although I know that most of the money goes to the company? I have no idea. But whatever it is, I hope that my contribution is enough.

That is all for now. This is such a random post but I find the need to blog about my interest in Sistar. :D Of course, my bias is Dasom but I THINK I LIKE HYOLYN MORE NOW?!?! IDK. Help. I have four days left being at home. Can't wait to get back to college although I must say that I'll really miss home.

x.

overly attached

Assalamualaikum.

Something have been bothering me for the past one week. It's about attachment. I think I'm a person who constantly need company. Honestly, I am quite sad that everyone is leaving for semester break. It IS a semester break, why would I be sad? Everyone is happy that they're finally meeting their family they have missed so much. Oddly for me, I don't really miss home. Probably because I won't have anyone to interact with at home because they're all in school or working. Yep. Plus, the only company I had is gone forever.

I have grown attached to this varsity, I think. The friends here, the environment, my roommates, my seniors, the lectures, buses, taxis, the mall, the cats, the monkeys, basically everything. This is so weird. My friend said that once I adapt to my surroundings, I get attached to them and when it's time to leave, I'd be emotional. Haha. What is wrong with me, actually? I cried so hard last night because I kept thinking that I'd miss everyone. I'm glad I had my girls with me. I still feel bad that they had to watch me cry and they'd have to sacrifice their time for me. But that's what friends are for kehkehkeh. I love them.

I am so in love with the place I am in right now. I have no idea why. Maybe because I have company. I told my family that I didn't mind not going back and it was up to them if they wanted to book a flight for me or not. I honestly didn't care about not going back. Well, of course I miss my family and want to meet them again, just because I don't know when they will be gone. But still, I didn't mind not going back. Maybe because I know that even if I go back, they'll be away. I don't meet them often as everyone is busy with their own things to do. Ugh.

Yes, I know that Allah is always there. Maybe the fact that He is always there doesn't stick in my mind a lot. I still have a lot to learn and honestly, with the environment I'm in, I find it quite hard to do so. First step is always the hardest they say, and it's true. I've once talked to my friend about me having the hidayah. I was like, yes, I know everything, I know what I should and shouldn't do. But do I actually do them, avoid them? No. That's where my friend said, I have hidayah but no taufik. Taufik and hidayah goes hand in hand. Alhamdulillah He has granted me the latter but oh. my. gosh. it's so hard.

This stubborn soul. Agh. It'll change, in sha Allah. I know He's there. I know He'll help. I know He's always there, helping me along the way and He never once stopped. I am so blessed.

And if an evil suggestion comes to you from Satan, then seek refuge in Allah . Indeed, He is Hearing and Knowing.

Surah Al-A'raf. 7:200

I found this in a book I was reading called Versus by Hlovate. I could never finish that book because I don't have the heart to finish it. I don't know. I just feel emotional reading it and I discovered many things. Reading it is really an eyeopener. Omg this post is getting so long. I shall stop here. I need to reset my body clock.

Assalamualaikum.