Saturday, June 11, 2016

Of college and studies (sort of)

Assalamualaikum. :)

It's been a while, huh? I was sort of busy with everything college wise, and also my studies. Well, I did have time to write and I did think of writing but I didn't know where to start. Honestly, I don't know where to start, even now. It's just a random urge to write something. It's the 6th Ramadan, I'm in college as it is the study week. My friends have all gone home for the week. Some others stayed but yeah. .....

Exams are next week. Actually I have one paper on the 16th and two papers on the 28th. Quite a huge gap there but I hope I'll use my time wisely to study. Sometimes I just find it hard to focus to study when there are people around or when it's noisy. I can only study with music and when I'm alone. I have no idea why. That's why I usually go to the library where it's all quiet or study when my roommates are asleep. Odd, I know. So this study week has been great. There are still some things I haven't studied but yeah, it'll happen soon.

Anyway, college wise.... well, I'm one of the college's action committee member (jawatankuasa tindakan kolej). Haha. So, this session, I handle arts stuff (music, dance, anything that says art.) And so, there are quite a few big things that need to be done. It's all about the management of things, where you do your best to contribute something for the college, and also the future committee may refer to your work and make theirs better. We had Malam Anugerah Bestari and I was given the award of Bakti Seni by my college's master. It's something I have never, ever even thought of. I truly didn't even expect it. It's a really, really sweet award. DOES IT EVEN DESERVE TO BE CALLED AN AWARD HAHAHAHAH. Anyway, I'm grateful for it. Though, I must say that I wouldn't even receive it if it wasn't for my friends who were there to see me suffer every time, but still support me all the way.

Basically there are two things I need done, which are studying and college stuff.

But there's more.

There's cleaning up the things, packing stuff, managing money and aaahh what am I even saying. My life has been unbalanced. Sometimes I don't eat, sometimes I don't sleep, other times I just sleep for 17 hours a day. It's crazy, I know. At one point, I just totally lost control of my life. Honestly, I did it again for a couple of days. I suck. I need to get back on track, man. Oh well, this is why I am up at 2.30am, writing a blogpost. I have a lot of things to talk about, actually. But I don't know where to start. Maybe I should outline it first before I start writing. But that will be too much work. I like simply writing whatever that comes into my mind. Just like that I'm doing right now.

On a side note, I have someone I love with all my heart. Heehee. He puts up with the real, real me. So that's a bonus. I do feel sad for him though, because he has to handle this..... being. But oh well, the love's pure, the love's true, we'll have each other till the end of time. I'll just end this here.

Zue. huhuhu

Sunday, February 14, 2016

It's been so long.


It's been so long since I last posted here. Anyway, life has been.... simply like that for the past four months. Oh, I didn't even right on here that I'm one of the college committee member. I'm the head of arts and creative development in my college. So, basically I took Faiz's place and I have to... do stuff that relates to arts and stuff, but also on the students' needs. It has been quite a journey because I didn't know much before this but now I know some stuff. Not so much but I did gain some useful things. Honestly, I still miss the committee before me because they were just the best. Haha.

Moving on.. so I just finished my third semester and now I'm going into my fourth semester. I have eight semesters overall. My results were okay. Me being me, I wanted more but what I got is truly a blessing. I am really determined to get my pointers back up but I don't know how!!! Haha. I'd always say that I need to work harder and stuff but I usually don't. So yeah. I get what I deserve. Whatever.

Do you ever have those feeling where you feel like you're always left out? I do. Most of the time it's because I distance myself. I hate doing so but sometimes I just can't stand it. I like being alone but I don't like being lonely. Yep. I guess that's it. I'm lonely. HAHA. Who would've thought? But yeah, I have been for so long and it's bothering me so much. Although I'm surrounded by amazing people who I should be grateful to have, I still feel like I'm a piece of shizz. I don't know if it's just me or my stupid thoughts but I always, always, always feel so. I'm not worthy of anything.

I don't know where else to run to but just to accept the situation I'm in. Go with the flow. I feel bitter almost all the time. I feel meh. heh. blegh. Those feelings never left me. I can't describe them but there they are. So... erm. Meh. Anyway, now that I'm writing a blog, I just realized how much I miss writing them! It's so great to have the words just flowing out smoothly. I've been trying to write though, but I never really had any idea what to write on. I don't now too but, who cares. I'm just going to type away whatever I'm thinking right now.

Okay, so last year I joined boria and karviter. This year I'm pretty much the person who looks over for feseni and karviter, as well as betas. BETAS is a new project and it was totally a successful one. Now the students are practicing for feseni and karviter. I can't wait to watch and support each and every performance for feseni and to watch karviter. So this year I'm joining creative dance. I wanted to join boria but I knew that there are others who would want to join them as much as I do. I'll just let them and the newcomers to join because then, it'll become a legacy. So yeah, I'm looking forward to creative dance. I attended the traditional dance practices and it was great. Creative dance training starts this Monday so, I better prepare myself. Haha!

Oh, my ideas are everywhere! What else should I write about? I have no idea actually. It's Valentine's Day. But oooh Muslims can't celebrate them and such. If we can't then we can't. Full stop. There's no need to shove it in people's face. You don't celebrate it. I don't celebrate it. Okay fine. The rest? Let them be, it's their tradition. Hmm. What else. Oh, David has been doing shows but I DON'T KNOW WHEN WILL HIS NEW ALBUM OR SINGLE WILL BE COMING OUT!! HAHA. It stresses me out. However, I understand that he needs his time so, I'll let him be. I'm always and still holding on to him. He changed my life a lot. Other people don't even understand this and sometimes I feel frustrated about it. Heh. I mean.... I don't know.. you don't simply say bad things about it. You don't know what I've been through and how David helped.

I miss my fangirling days. I miss One Direction. I miss being able to dance like crazy around people who doesn't care. Right now it seems like everyone has grown up and I just can't be the kid I am. I'm still a kid!! T_T I don't care if I'm turning 21 this year. BUT THAT'S A HUGE NUMBER OMG. 21. TWENTY ONE. Blegh. Responsibilities. General knowledge that I need to know. Meh. I'm so dumb, actually. Haha. No, I'm not dumb. I am just ignorant. Is that bad? I guess so. But I can't help it. I've been ignorant since I was a kid. Nothing interests me. I mean, nothing that I should pay attention to, interests me. Oh well. I guess sooner or later, I'd still have to change myself.

I think I'm done writing. I'll try to write again soon. I don't know when but I'll just try. I hope it won't be as crappy as this one. Meh. Nanight.