Friday, August 22, 2014

still about the void

Been feeling down lately. I have no idea why.

No mood to 
- talk to people
- watch videos
- watch the television
- clean up my room
- write a blog post
- read a book
- write in my journal
- do creative stuff
- eat
- give a dang about people

Hm. Saddest thing of all is that I have no appetite to eat. I only eat one meal a day and sometimes it would be instant noodles, other times it would be some cookies and cheese. I don't know. I just don't feel like eating at all. I know it's unhealthy to have empty stomach but really, who cares? I'm doing just fine. Heh.

I couldn't careless about people too. Like, who cares. I don't care what you think or say. Just too tired of talking to people and having them listen to what I have to say. I don't know. I just don't care anymore. Although I crave someone's attention right at this moment, I keep telling myself that things have changed and.... people change too. You can't expect things to stay the way they were. Change is inevitable. Be it good or bad.

Blegh. I'm just looking forward to start my degree. Or maybe not. Haha! I have a lot of things I looked forward too but now I just feel so empty and lazy to do those things. Where did the motivation go? I have no idea. I guess I'll just have to....... pick myself up. I know I can get through this. It just depends on the amount of effort I'm willing to put. It's still weird that I hope for people to push me and motivate me. I guess I'm just used to growing up with motivation. But now, I feel so lost.

I know it will change soon. In sha Allah. For now.... Minggu Haluansiswa at UM. Totally excited (or not) for it! Can't wait to meet the admin for their Twitter account. :3 The cheers, the varsity jacket, just everything. New adventure!

I should stop now. It's 4.30am. Fi hifzillah.

Peace be upon you. xo.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

fill the void, David.

There are days when I feel empty. Simply lose interest in everything. Not having a clue on what's going on in my life and just.... breathe. I sit, go online, eat or even watch the television but my mind doesn't really work. It just long for something.

At that point I realize that I miss some things or someone. In this case, it's someone. Not my family, not my friends. Someone who has been there all these while. David.

I know it's really hard to explain what I truly feel about him because I was so attached to him and wow, for nearly six years, it has always been him. David Archuleta. The thing is, I've only met him twice in two days. Countless in my dreams. Constantly in my mind. I just don't get what does this dude have that makes me love him that much.

I care about him like my own brother or baby or friend, maybe a lover. I don't know. I'm so used to having him as an inspiration to keep going in life because that's all he's ever done. Reaching out to everyone and eventually capturing our hearts. Motivating us to do better and strengthen our faith.

Of course, since he got back from his mission, there is less media and such. I accept and respect that but these days, I just miss him. I miss his news, new music, new vlogs, everything. I wasn't like this during his mission because I know that he's not there. However, now that he's home, I expect those things. Haha!

I don't know. Maybe I'm just so weird. I wonder if any of the Archangels feel this too, though. I just miss him. I pray that he will get the best thing ever in life and the Hereafter. I might not know him well but I know much to say that he deserves the best. He truly does. I am actually shaking my head thinking about this. Totally out of words. I.... am just speechless. Why David? Haha. What did he do?

Anyway, it's 4am. I should get some sleep. And David? I will always, always love you... even though I'm 'just a speck in the galaxy'.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Degree in TESL at UM.... and this time, for real.


Well, well, well. It is out! The results for which university I'm heading to for degree. Degree in TESL that is! I was offered three, UM, UiTM and UIA. Attended UM and UiTM. And guess what?! I got into UM! Whoop whoop! Although I must be honest, I was kind of hoping for UiTM but I know that He has planned everything so well. So I'll just accept it.

Truthfully, I did not expect to get UM at all. It's because I think I did bad during the interview. Plus UM is a place for all those smart and hardworking people. Here I am, with average pointer of 3.4 something. There they are, those people with pointers above 3.5. Whoa whoa. I haven't even started or even registered and I can already feel the pressure. It scares me so much.

I have been thinking about it since I got to know who else were accepted into the course. Them smart people. T_T Here I am, lazy as heck and I got accepted into UM. What sorcery is this. But then again, I am still and truly grateful for this opportunity. It's fun to be studying where my parents and sister did. Well, at least I hope it will be fun.

So, yeah. Degree awaits. The next big step in life. I hope that I can get through it. Gotta make people proud. Gotta strengthen my faith. Gotta seek knowledge for the sake of knowledge. Gotta..... try and avoid all those concerts and stuff. Oh man. In the middle of KL! David, 1D, Demi could come anytime. Huh. All those temptations. Food. Shopping. Or at least window shopping.....


I haven't even started and I already think about all of these. Wow, wow, wow. I have no idea where my train of thoughts is going. I sure hope I will be able to do well. In sha Allah. With His guidance, I'm going to be alright. I just hope that I won't stray away like I did during first semester of foundation. Gotta stick with the right friends. Yep.

Okay, I guess that is all for now. Oh, right. It starts on the 1st of September. IN TWO WEEKS. I'm so not done hibernating. Well, I guess things need to start moving now.

Fi hifzillah.

By the way, here's a post about the interview for this course that I attended a couple months ago. Click it!

Wednesday, August 6, 2014



Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Maaf Zahir & Batin. :)

So it's August already! Can't believe it. Time flies so fast. I'll be in college next month. Continuing my studies, but this time in degree. I'm currently waiting for an offer in two universities that I interviewed for. They're UM and UiTM. I am absolutely torn between two but really, anything goes. I know He has planned everything oh-so well. We'll just wait and see. :) Oh, the results will be out in a week. I am so eager to continue my journey!

Although I must admit that I will truly miss home and staying here for 5 months. Oh man. Pure laziness and comfort. Sad to think that I didn't do much during the holidays. I could've done so many productive things but instead, I laid in bed and went online. Anyway, I have a month to set things right. That is, if I want to. Haha! I never really had a push or anyone telling me to do anything so yeah. I've let myself down. I have this thing where I need and want someone to tell me to do things instead of doing it myself. Someone constantly needs to be there. Zulaikha, do this. Zulaikha, do that. Zulaikha, you forgot to do this.

I know it will be a burden to have someone to actually do that. I mean, they have their own lives and then they have to take care of a nineteen year old's life too? Who in the world would bother. =_= oh man, I am such a lazy bum. I need motivation to change! Hahahah. Constant motivation. For example, David. Haha. He's doing stuffs but I have no idea when is his new music coming out or whatever. NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO! Haih. Hence, me not caring about anything, even my health. Zzzz.

Okay, actually I do care about myself but why should I when no one else does. Haha. I know, I like it when the world revolves around me but that's just not how it works. What am I supposed to do, actually? Get rid of this damn smartphone for a start, maybe. It's a life ruiner. Before this phone, I actually did things. Real life things such as eating and sleeping. Now I just online most of the time. Zzzz.

I need to stop writing now. Thanks for reading if you did. Dogs are barking. I hope the cats are alright. Fi hifzillah. :)