Of college and studies (sort of)

Assalamualaikum. :)

It's been a while, huh? I was sort of busy with everything college wise, and also my studies. Well, I did have time to write and I did think of writing but I didn't know where to start. Honestly, I don't know where to start, even now. It's just a random urge to write something. It's the 6th Ramadan, I'm in college as it is the study week. My friends have all gone home for the week. Some others stayed but yeah. .....

Exams are next week. Actually I have one paper on the 16th and two papers on the 28th. Quite a huge gap there but I hope I'll use my time wisely to study. Sometimes I just find it hard to focus to study when there are people around or when it's noisy. I can only study with music and when I'm alone. I have no idea why. That's why I usually go to the library where it's all quiet or study when my roommates are asleep. Odd, I know. So this study week has been great. There are still some things I haven't studied but yeah, it'll happen soon.

Anyway, college wise.... well, I'm one of the college's action committee member (jawatankuasa tindakan kolej). Haha. So, this session, I handle arts stuff (music, dance, anything that says art.) And so, there are quite a few big things that need to be done. It's all about the management of things, where you do your best to contribute something for the college, and also the future committee may refer to your work and make theirs better. We had Malam Anugerah Bestari and I was given the award of Bakti Seni by my college's master. It's something I have never, ever even thought of. I truly didn't even expect it. It's a really, really sweet award. DOES IT EVEN DESERVE TO BE CALLED AN AWARD HAHAHAHAH. Anyway, I'm grateful for it. Though, I must say that I wouldn't even receive it if it wasn't for my friends who were there to see me suffer every time, but still support me all the way.

Basically there are two things I need done, which are studying and college stuff.

But there's more.

There's cleaning up the things, packing stuff, managing money and aaahh what am I even saying. My life has been unbalanced. Sometimes I don't eat, sometimes I don't sleep, other times I just sleep for 17 hours a day. It's crazy, I know. At one point, I just totally lost control of my life. Honestly, I did it again for a couple of days. I suck. I need to get back on track, man. Oh well, this is why I am up at 2.30am, writing a blogpost. I have a lot of things to talk about, actually. But I don't know where to start. Maybe I should outline it first before I start writing. But that will be too much work. I like simply writing whatever that comes into my mind. Just like that I'm doing right now.

On a side note, I have someone I love with all my heart. Heehee. He puts up with the real, real me. So that's a bonus. I do feel sad for him though, because he has to handle this..... being. But oh well, the love's pure, the love's true, we'll have each other till the end of time. I'll just end this here.

xoxo,

Zue. huhuhu

It's been so long.

Assalamualaikum.

It's been so long since I last posted here. Anyway, life has been.... simply like that for the past four months. Oh, I didn't even right on here that I'm one of the college committee member. I'm the head of arts and creative development in my college. So, basically I took Faiz's place and I have to... do stuff that relates to arts and stuff, but also on the students' needs. It has been quite a journey because I didn't know much before this but now I know some stuff. Not so much but I did gain some useful things. Honestly, I still miss the committee before me because they were just the best. Haha.

Moving on.. so I just finished my third semester and now I'm going into my fourth semester. I have eight semesters overall. My results were okay. Me being me, I wanted more but what I got is truly a blessing. I am really determined to get my pointers back up but I don't know how!!! Haha. I'd always say that I need to work harder and stuff but I usually don't. So yeah. I get what I deserve. Whatever.

Do you ever have those feeling where you feel like you're always left out? I do. Most of the time it's because I distance myself. I hate doing so but sometimes I just can't stand it. I like being alone but I don't like being lonely. Yep. I guess that's it. I'm lonely. HAHA. Who would've thought? But yeah, I have been for so long and it's bothering me so much. Although I'm surrounded by amazing people who I should be grateful to have, I still feel like I'm a piece of shizz. I don't know if it's just me or my stupid thoughts but I always, always, always feel so. I'm not worthy of anything.

I don't know where else to run to but just to accept the situation I'm in. Go with the flow. I feel bitter almost all the time. I feel meh. heh. blegh. Those feelings never left me. I can't describe them but there they are. So... erm. Meh. Anyway, now that I'm writing a blog, I just realized how much I miss writing them! It's so great to have the words just flowing out smoothly. I've been trying to write though, but I never really had any idea what to write on. I don't now too but, who cares. I'm just going to type away whatever I'm thinking right now.

Okay, so last year I joined boria and karviter. This year I'm pretty much the person who looks over for feseni and karviter, as well as betas. BETAS is a new project and it was totally a successful one. Now the students are practicing for feseni and karviter. I can't wait to watch and support each and every performance for feseni and to watch karviter. So this year I'm joining creative dance. I wanted to join boria but I knew that there are others who would want to join them as much as I do. I'll just let them and the newcomers to join because then, it'll become a legacy. So yeah, I'm looking forward to creative dance. I attended the traditional dance practices and it was great. Creative dance training starts this Monday so, I better prepare myself. Haha!

Oh, my ideas are everywhere! What else should I write about? I have no idea actually. It's Valentine's Day. But oooh Muslims can't celebrate them and such. If we can't then we can't. Full stop. There's no need to shove it in people's face. You don't celebrate it. I don't celebrate it. Okay fine. The rest? Let them be, it's their tradition. Hmm. What else. Oh, David has been doing shows but I DON'T KNOW WHEN WILL HIS NEW ALBUM OR SINGLE WILL BE COMING OUT!! HAHA. It stresses me out. However, I understand that he needs his time so, I'll let him be. I'm always and still holding on to him. He changed my life a lot. Other people don't even understand this and sometimes I feel frustrated about it. Heh. I mean.... I don't know.. you don't simply say bad things about it. You don't know what I've been through and how David helped.

I miss my fangirling days. I miss One Direction. I miss being able to dance like crazy around people who doesn't care. Right now it seems like everyone has grown up and I just can't be the kid I am. I'm still a kid!! T_T I don't care if I'm turning 21 this year. BUT THAT'S A HUGE NUMBER OMG. 21. TWENTY ONE. Blegh. Responsibilities. General knowledge that I need to know. Meh. I'm so dumb, actually. Haha. No, I'm not dumb. I am just ignorant. Is that bad? I guess so. But I can't help it. I've been ignorant since I was a kid. Nothing interests me. I mean, nothing that I should pay attention to, interests me. Oh well. I guess sooner or later, I'd still have to change myself.

I think I'm done writing. I'll try to write again soon. I don't know when but I'll just try. I hope it won't be as crappy as this one. Meh. Nanight.

sweet(?) twenty

Assalamualaikum. :)

I'm twenty! Yay!

At the moment I'm typing this out, I'm trying to finish one more cream puff and a slice of cake. Last night I got a slice of cake and today I got another slice plus about seven cream puffs and one whole cake. This is crazy. I don't know how to finish them, Haha!

A lot of things have been going on and it's really getting on to me. I don't know, maybe it's because I tend to overthink about things which later make me get sad or depressed which later on will effect everyone around me. At this moment, there's a lot of things I have to think about. I don't know why am I even taking the opportunity given to me. I'm afraid that I won't be able to do it. I'm afraid that I'd somehow neglect my studies. I don't want that to happen. Really.

I know I'm supposed to be grateful because I have a group of such lovely friends but I feel like me being me, they actually hate me. HAHA. That's just what I think. Maybe it's true. I don't know. But this is just what I'm feeling right now. Though I know that whatever I'm going through right now is because He misses me. I miss Him too, actually. I need to start fixing myself again.

I have no idea why am I typing everything out on here. OH MY GOSH I'M SO SCARED OF THE FUTURE. I feel like giving up but I know that I shouldn't. I know that I have to be strong. I know that other people have it harder. I know not everyone can care for me except for Him. I know that I shouldn't be dependent on some people. I just miss the old me.

I have changed a lot. I'm not sure if it's a good change or a bad change. I know that it's a change. What am I even talking about right now?

Please just pray for me. I don't want to run away. I'm sick of this. I need to fix myself. I need to..... I don't know. ARGH.

erm..

Assalamualaikum.

The third semester has begun! It has been a week though. Haha! So far so good. My roommates are awesome because they're Nadiah and Izzah! Heheh. Classes are okay, though we haven't been into two classes because the lecturers were busy. I hope they'll be there in the coming weeks because I can't wait to get started! I know most people dread classes but I'm looking forward to it.

I've been busy for the past month with all the preparation for orientation week or MHS they call it. Sleeping late night and waking up early. That's something I really like because I get to be productive and my body clock works just nice. But when MHS came.... wow. We didn't get much sleep but it was alright. It was truly an experience to teach the freshies chants, dances and telling them about UM, getting to know them and just simply welcoming them here. We're the first few people they meet so we have to give a good first impression. I hope we all did well and I hope they'll learn to love the college as well as UM the way I did and still do.

What else should I write about? Oh! My friends and I went to Breakout room in Nu Sentral. They had a promotion and we did the Testament of Tesla room. It was so cool! Haha! We managed to figure out some clues but we still needed the Game Master's help. I honestly would try again but with different rooms. The room we tried has a difficulty level of 5/5 so yeah. Our Game Master, Shafiq, recommended that we try the 4/5 room which is Dreadnought. I hope we'll go there again and try Dreadnought!! Heheheh.

By the waaaaay, I have someone special in my life! :3 I miss him so much right now but I know he's busy doing whatever that he is doing. Haha. It's cool how we actually liked each other way before this without us knowing but now everything has been revealed! Muahahaha. I hope he's fine wherever he is right now. Can't be too attached. I'll try to let him be. Huhuhu.

That is all for now, I'll try to update as often as I can (which is probably once every month). I miss my family but not to the point of crying (yet).

xoxo,

Zue.

random update

Assalamualaikum. :)

Flying to KL later today and then head back to college! Currently having flu and cough and getting better from fever. Haha! A month of break was something I really cherished. I've missed staying home for a long time. I think since I've got into UM, I had breaks for a week, a couple weeks or maybe three weeks. Sometimes just four days. It's crazy how committed I am to the activities in college. I was supposed to have about two months plus of holidays but nuuu I sacrificed them. Haha! It's for something I'll love, in sha Allah. There's a reason why I'm doing this and I hope it's going to lead to something amazing.

Anyway, Raya was alright. It was tough for the first few days but later on, it was alright. I invited my friends and daaangg, I was so happy! Haha! Served them spaghetti and chicken wings which my mom made. They were delicious! I'm so grateful for my mother. Lately I've been cherishing her so much. More than I did before, I think. Idk. I miss her already although she's always around. I am so going to miss home. I'm not sure why I find it hard to leave home this time. Usually I'd be counting down days till I get back to college but now I dread it. Heh.

OMG. My pointer. Did I talk about my pointer on here? It went down like a crashing parachute. Lel. It's actually something I should be grateful for because it wasn't that easy to get there. But just because I have that benchmark, I am truly and extremely disappointed in myself. I keep saying that I need to work harder but I.... don't. I hope this next semester, I'll do better. In sha Allah. There's a lot of things I need to work on. I know I keep on saying about fixing myself but I always fall out from it. Sucks.

Anyway, I've got a flight to catch in I don't know how many hours. Hence I need rest. Pray that I'll do good in the future.

xoxo, zu.