wow.

I have been thinking. Well, lately I have been thinking a lot. Before that...

Assalamualaikum. How are you all doing? :)

I am doing fine. Great, actually. Alhamdulillah. I have been so blessed. What else am I supposed to say, actually? I am so grateful with everything. Specially lately. It's just. My world has turned a complete circle. I'm...... wow. I can't believe what happened. It's just so weird. Too good to be true. Unbelievable. It's like a dream. Is it a dream? I hope not. I pray that this is reality. I'm..... ah. Speechless. Every single time. I get speechless. Sometimes I just.... can't take it. I would keep quiet, take a breath and..... ah. It just hits me.

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OKAY DONE. BUT IT'S NEVER ENOUGH. This thing that I'm feeling. I have no idea how to channel it out because I am really, extremely grateful. Ya Allah. Why me? Why now? I'm not sure if I can handle this. AAAHHHHHH. I love my sayang so much. No, we're not together. I am single. We just have this connection. Wow. Somebody slap me. Am I awake? Most of the time I feel like I'm dreaming. Huh.

It's 5am. I shall sleep now. hahahahahahahah. okay.

Fi hifzillah.

Assalamualaikum. :)

who am I?

I'm not sure what I've done to myself nor to the person I'm getting close to.

I hate this feeling. It comes every single time I'm stuck at home, not doing anything. It sucks a lot. I wish that I'm always busy. I wish that someone would actually push me into doing things and really make sure I get it done. It's just hard to do it on my own. I know Allah is there but hey, I wasn't like this few months ago. I'd always forget. I always do. It's the times like this when I actually think and say... oh. God is here. Don't worry. But where are all these thoughts when I'm happy? I just. I'm so disappointed in myself. I can't believe I'm becoming my old self. Really. I just wish that September could come faster. Please. I just want to distract myself from this. I don't want to disappoint my parents, my family, my friends, my..... sayang. No.

I'm so scared of everything. I'm so scared of changing. It's just SO HARD. I don't know. It's probably just this shitty laziness. Fml. Why am I doing this to myself. I'd regret now, tonight. Sooner or later.... ha ha ha. Back to my old self. It's just so annoying. So annoying. What am I, really? Who am I?

Who am I......?

an awaited post

Assalamualaikum. :)

So..... someone told me to update my blog but honestly, I have no idea what to write about. What do you want me to write about? Sometimes I blog because... things just happen and I feel like letting the future me read and think about what happened in my life. I don't know, this is so funny. Hmm. It's so weird knowing that you would be reading this right now. Really. I feel like, there's going to be someone who is constantly checking out this blog and actually reading everything here. Hi, hello. How are you? Tell me when you're reading this. :p

Anyway, so far I've been so blessed with everything. Actually, my whole life I've been blessed but most of the time, I simply took things for granted. I'm learning how to appreciate things now. Everything. It'll take a long time to list them one by one but truly, I am grateful. Allah has never left me. He was always there but I only realised that few years back. Yes, I was lost. He was there all along but I was just too blind to see. Finally something opened my eyes. It was him. It was her. It was them. I'm glad they were there when I needed something to grasp, someone to hold and guide me. But then, it wasn't just them. There was someone.... there IS still someone. And I bet that someone is reading this and smiling all by himself. =_= Haa dok tersengih la tu. I know you're smiling when you're reading this. Takyah tipu. :p

So.... yeah. He's been influencing me a lot. Truly grateful to have him in my life. As you can probably tell in my previous posts, well... yeah. Nothing much to say. It's just that, I've changed. No, not fully. I am slowly changing into a better person, I hope. In sha Allah. Trying my best to fix my faith. You know how I've been struggling with this....... hm. I'm just happy with where I am right now but then again I feel like I'm not doing good enough. We'll never be good enough. Ever. Hm. But most of the time, I'd be extremely happy because I did something. I did something the old me never did. Something good. Something that will eventually, in sha Allah, bring me to Heaven. I just hope that I'll continue to improve till the day I die, which God knows when.

Moving on..... what else should I write about? Haaaaa. Oh yea! I have tons of books I have yet to read. I just get this weird laziness. Procrastination. IDK. It's so hard to stop myself from being lazy. I'd just sit and think. That's what I've been doing all my life. It's like, "Okay. That book needs to be finished soon. Go. Read it, Zu." And then I'd sit and stare at the book, thinking about life for like what? An hour? I don't know why but it just happens! SO hard for me to concentrate. Unless there's something more important that I have to do. For example, in 2012. I was supposed to study but noooo, I finished like, 10 storybooks, maybe? The Hunger Games trilogy and some other books I bought through Scholastic promotion.

Right, I was so happy about that promotion. I don't know, I think I'm a bookworm when it comes to doing something else that's more important. I'd go and say to myself, "This will help you improve your English." Ya, forget Chemistry, Biology and Physics. English is waaaaay more important. Hence my disappointing results. She said it herself. Sad. But I'm sort of satisfied with it. Wait till I get my degree. Masters. PhD. I'll make you proud. In sha Allah.

By the way, it's 3.30am right now. I slept but I woke up. Watched Rise of the Guardians. It was a cool movie. I have tons of movies to watch but.... I don't know. It's time consuming. EVERYTHING IS TIME CONSUMING. =_= Anyway, it's almost May. Degree is in September. Degree in TESL, in sha Allah. I really hope that I can get UiTM...? Shah Alam, especially. It's my dream. Heh. It's just that I'm used to being there for about 8 months. So.... yeah. I know the place. :D Plus I didn't explore much during foundation. Foundation was packed. Class starts at 8.30 and ends at 4. Huh. With degree, maybe I'll be more free. We'll see. Hm.

I guess it's time for me to read.... a book. My friend (friend?) lend it to me. It's a nice book. Love the message. Love the way it's delivered. Touched my heart. I shall........ go now. Thanks for reading if you did. :p

Fi hifzillah.

Assalamualaikum.

just a little something

Countless times I've chatted with you, talked to you.

Each time I do so, I fall in love more and more.

With your voice. With your laughter.

All the things you said.

Maybe just the person you are.

I don't know if God sent you here.

Maybe to guide me.

Maybe to make me realise.

Maybe to make my days better and then,

I'd actually try to get closer to Allah.

Wallahua'lam.

See? I'd never use this, ever.

But then you came and made everything better.

You were there.

You are still there.

You saw my flaw and you accepted it.

What I'm scared of, though.

Is that.... when you see my real flaw.

It scares me.

A lot.

Sometimes I wish we've never known each other.

Sometimes I wish it was someone else, not you.

Because I'm scared that if you knew me,

You'd be scarred.

I'm just grateful, truly grateful.

That you have been here all these while.

I know it's not much, I know it's not long.

But it's something.

I just hope that.

You'll stay.

Get to know me.

And stay.

"Let's hold on to where we are,

If it's real, we'll make it through."

I've always been holding on to this song.

You told me to 'listen to it for fun.'

But no.

I felt like it was a message you're sending me.

We don't know the future.

We don't know what will happen.

Wallahua'lam.

But I will always pray that,

It will be the best.

For you and for me.

In sha Allah.