sweet(?) twenty

Assalamualaikum. :)

I'm twenty! Yay!

At the moment I'm typing this out, I'm trying to finish one more cream puff and a slice of cake. Last night I got a slice of cake and today I got another slice plus about seven cream puffs and one whole cake. This is crazy. I don't know how to finish them, Haha!

A lot of things have been going on and it's really getting on to me. I don't know, maybe it's because I tend to overthink about things which later make me get sad or depressed which later on will effect everyone around me. At this moment, there's a lot of things I have to think about. I don't know why am I even taking the opportunity given to me. I'm afraid that I won't be able to do it. I'm afraid that I'd somehow neglect my studies. I don't want that to happen. Really.

I know I'm supposed to be grateful because I have a group of such lovely friends but I feel like me being me, they actually hate me. HAHA. That's just what I think. Maybe it's true. I don't know. But this is just what I'm feeling right now. Though I know that whatever I'm going through right now is because He misses me. I miss Him too, actually. I need to start fixing myself again.

I have no idea why am I typing everything out on here. OH MY GOSH I'M SO SCARED OF THE FUTURE. I feel like giving up but I know that I shouldn't. I know that I have to be strong. I know that other people have it harder. I know not everyone can care for me except for Him. I know that I shouldn't be dependent on some people. I just miss the old me.

I have changed a lot. I'm not sure if it's a good change or a bad change. I know that it's a change. What am I even talking about right now?

Please just pray for me. I don't want to run away. I'm sick of this. I need to fix myself. I need to..... I don't know. ARGH.